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Time of Crisis: On being scared

I swear I'm not depressed, or at least I don't think I am. I've just been thinking a lot about my life and where I want to be in five, ten, even fifty years and it makes me feel a little scared.

You know that tiny second you take before doing something really big, like right before jumping off the platform of the zip line, or telling your best friend you have a crush on them? Or you know that new google commercial where Jack Black and people say "ok" tons of times then the little kid asks google version of Siri if dogs dream?

That's how I feel right now, as if I'm crouched at the starting line of something monumental that is my life. And what scares me is that it might not be monumental. In my same retail job twenty years from now. There's nothing wrong with working in retail, but I feel as if I'm capable of so much more. I feel like I'm capable of leaving behind something of value. I know that's such a millennial/generation Z kinda thing to say but whatever. 

I'm scared by the prospect of failure. 

And yeah I determine what failure looks like in my life, and failure is just contentment or whatever motivational stuff you wanna throw at me. I've heard it. I get it. But that isn't stopping me from feeling how I'm feeling now.  

I'm having this existential crisis, which when I looked up is said to be a direct consequence of depression. At this point I'll reintegrate my first statement: I swear I'm not depressed.

It's my Erikson psycho social crisis, which I like a little bit better because I don't have to convince you that I'm not depressed. My scheduled identity crisis. My yearly checkup. First it was trust and mistrust and now this.

 I'm also scared because I see all these different paths I can take, but I'm not sure where any of them go. And I see all these things I can do and all these things I'm good at, but I don't know if I'm going to enjoy these things twenty years from now.

Sometimes I wish my parents would make the choice for me, because not knowing what I'm going to do with myself is the worst part. Part of me wants to pay a physic to ask what I'll be when I grow up, but the other part of me is saying you are a grown up, and that scares me too.

I don't see this getting any better before graduation either, I'm sure students getting ready to walk out with their degree are feeling the exact same way.

I really feel sorry for us.

Are you a millennial feeling the same way about choosing a career path? Are you a real life grown up and have some advise for us? Was this post overly pessimistic? (yes) Comment below.

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